my journey with truth

Archive for the ‘marriage’ Category

You know how I know I love God?  Because there are times when I’m talking about God that my heart starts racing and I’m tingly all over and I start to smile and cry a little at the same time the way I imagine I’ll smile and cry a little on my wedding day (if that day ever comes).  I’m sure you’re thinking “Barf” to that in some ways.  And that’s ok.  But for a girl who has done a lot of pining for a companion, dare I say a boyfriend (I always feel like that must offend God for some reason… “You have me, God of all that is seen and unseen and you’re whining about a boyfriend???), it’s kind of a big deal for me to sit here and remember that I really do love God in a way that fills my being up, not just my brain.

If nothing else comes of writing this commissioning paper, and despite all the complaining I’ve done about my commissioning work and the questions and guidelines etc., I will be grateful for the moments of writing when I was able to pour out on the page how much I love God.


If I’m completely honest, I should say that sometimes I wonder if I’m going to end up alone.  And sometimes I wonder if the only way I won’t end up alone is to settle for not being alone as opposed to being with someone who truly delights me.  I’ve been thinking of these things especially since moving to Smithville.  At times it seems like the balance for loving this little town is that I have to give up finding someone while I live here, and so the more I long to stay here in this appointment for a longer duration, the more I feel like I am giving up some piece of my hope for a partner in this life.  Because we all know that you can’t have everything, that nothing is perfect.

Then I met my friend Tina and her husband Andy.  They are lovely.  I mean, Tina is my friend and all, so of course I like her.  And you’d think whoever she’s married to would have to be great.  But no, really.  They, together, are lovely and wonderful.  And their love story is delightful.  And everything about their story actually sounds like a sweet, sweet story you couldn’t write better, and Tina has said that everything she wanted in a partner she has in Andy – so they seriously are like the closest thing to perfect for each other.

One night, I confessed a little to Tina that there are times I feel like I should give up dreaming of some “perfect-for-me” guy.  And that at times the dreaming I do sort of feels like that scene towards the beginning of Practical Magic where Sally makes up characteristics about a man who is to be her true love, but all the characteristics are too much or too silly for one person to actually exist with them all.  So that even if I kept dreaming, what good would it do?  What man could fulfill 26 years of dreaming?  It’s not just unfair to me, it’s unfair to men, right?  So sometimes I think I should give up dreaming up with whom I want to share my life.

That’s when Tina was all “Bullshit.  Keep dreaming.”  And I thought of her and Andy.  And so I confessed to her that I actually had written a letter to Santa a little over a year ago, sort of as a catharsis as writing exercises often tend to be (hello, blog).  I said I should probably tell her the list because she’s obviously got good man mojo (and she actually kind of has generally good mojo for getting things done or bringing good to her when she’s made up her mind about something).  So here’s the letter for you all.  Judge me all you want.  Or find me this man:

Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is a man to share my life with.  He doesn’t need to want to get married right away, but I do not want a man who does not want me for the long-term.  It would be great if he could have as many of the following characteristics as possible:

  • wears a good cologne
  • calls me ‘sugar’ or any variation of ‘sugar’
  • perceives me as sassy and/or feisty and likes that about me
  • frequently be found to be wearing a dress shirt and tie, a dress shirt with a sweater over it, a dress shirt and sweater vest
  • have played football or soccer when younger, maybe baseball
  • be a really good kisser
  • doesn’t back down and is passionate about what he believes and loves
  • preferably not an only child
  • knows how to tease me about stupid stuff
  • holds my hand
  • has a dog, but not a crusty small kind (not required, but doesn’t like animals is a deal-breaker)
  • has a little bit of a fix-it gene of some sort, even if it is computer-related
  • gets me flowers every now and then
  • is Methodist? that may be asking too much.  Could you find one that understands my vocation and still loves me?
  • likes to dance
  • loves his family
  • likes to go out and be with friends
  • pushes me to be more outdoorsy
  • cares about broken things in the world
  • likes to travel and explore new places
  • cooks and likes to cook together, preferably with loud music in the background
  • lets me sit in his lap to do the crossword together
  • tells me lots of stories from when he was younger
  • likes to argue a little bit

I know this is a lot to ask, and I plan to keep thinking about it.  Of course, it’s probably too late for this Christmas, but maybe you could try by next year?

Lots of love and I’m trying to be a very good girl,

I did something bad tonight.  Bad. Bad. Bad.

I bought a bridal magazine impulsively while heading toward the check-out line at the grocery store.  STUPID!  Bad. Bad. Bad.  Bad girl.

I am not getting married in the near future.  I do not have a fiance.  I do not have a boyfriend.  Bad. Bad. Bad girl.

The crazy thing is that I’m not itching to get married right away.  I’m not saying I wouldn’t marry my next big relationship, I just would like more time actually.  If possible.  But you know, I would really like a big fluffy dress and pretty pretty flowers and a handsome nice-smelling man standing at the end of an aisle.  And I kind of secretly think “Sparkplug Minuet” from the soundtrack to The Royal Tenanbaums would make an amazeballs processional.  But not-so-secretly, I want to get married in a church, and I don’t know that soundtrack music flies in a church.  And it would be kind of hard to acquire all the musicians and recreate it.  And besides all that, a song from The Royal Tenanbaums soundtrack kind of looks/sounds stupid logistically or whatever in the first place.  ANYWAY.  Bad girl.  Because, and this is a big truth for me to tell, when I say that I kind of don’t want to marry my next big relationship but would if it was right, it is because I’ve never had a big relationship.

I’ve been on many stereotypical dates.  I’ve given out my number and been called.  I was in college once upon a time, for crying out loud.  I’ve smooched some (read: a lot of?) boys.  I’ve played the role of girlfriend for at least 3 boys, long-term, without ever actually being their girlfriend.  Which they made clear in what was I guess our non-breakup breakup talk.  I’ve also been what felt like a fake girlfriend to 2 guy friends, one long-distance, one close-up.  And by that I mean that people thought we were dating.  And there were times with those boys I was confused and thought I might have feelings for them, and it finally made sense to me that actually I had feelings for real dating, which we were only faking.

So I’d like a real, live boyfriend that wants me to be his real, live girlfriend.  And it may end up that we have a real, live breakup.  And that’s ok.  And it may end up that my first real, live, long-term relationship ends with a wedding, which might freak me out more than a breakup, actually.  But in that case, maybe it wasn’t so bad that I was bad tonight – that magazine might come in handy after all.


  • None
  • myjourneywithtruth: i had it in my office at my internship in Corpus Christi two summers ago. ellen davis is brilliant and glows with an aura of holy.
  • amy h: i love this quote. i think i may need it hanging on my wall where i'll see it daily. perhaps in front of the toilet? by the door? bedside table? i'll
  • chaz: That post made me really sad too. Mostly because I want to take young Lizzie by the shoulders and shake her (gently?) into sublime realization that sh