my journey with truth

Confession

Posted on: September 2, 2010

I did something bad tonight.  Bad. Bad. Bad.

I bought a bridal magazine impulsively while heading toward the check-out line at the grocery store.  STUPID!  Bad. Bad. Bad.  Bad girl.

I am not getting married in the near future.  I do not have a fiance.  I do not have a boyfriend.  Bad. Bad. Bad girl.

The crazy thing is that I’m not itching to get married right away.  I’m not saying I wouldn’t marry my next big relationship, I just would like more time actually.  If possible.  But you know, I would really like a big fluffy dress and pretty pretty flowers and a handsome nice-smelling man standing at the end of an aisle.  And I kind of secretly think “Sparkplug Minuet” from the soundtrack to The Royal Tenanbaums would make an amazeballs processional.  But not-so-secretly, I want to get married in a church, and I don’t know that soundtrack music flies in a church.  And it would be kind of hard to acquire all the musicians and recreate it.  And besides all that, a song from The Royal Tenanbaums soundtrack kind of looks/sounds stupid logistically or whatever in the first place.  ANYWAY.  Bad girl.  Because, and this is a big truth for me to tell, when I say that I kind of don’t want to marry my next big relationship but would if it was right, it is because I’ve never had a big relationship.

I’ve been on many stereotypical dates.  I’ve given out my number and been called.  I was in college once upon a time, for crying out loud.  I’ve smooched some (read: a lot of?) boys.  I’ve played the role of girlfriend for at least 3 boys, long-term, without ever actually being their girlfriend.  Which they made clear in what was I guess our non-breakup breakup talk.  I’ve also been what felt like a fake girlfriend to 2 guy friends, one long-distance, one close-up.  And by that I mean that people thought we were dating.  And there were times with those boys I was confused and thought I might have feelings for them, and it finally made sense to me that actually I had feelings for real dating, which we were only faking.

So I’d like a real, live boyfriend that wants me to be his real, live girlfriend.  And it may end up that we have a real, live breakup.  And that’s ok.  And it may end up that my first real, live, long-term relationship ends with a wedding, which might freak me out more than a breakup, actually.  But in that case, maybe it wasn’t so bad that I was bad tonight – that magazine might come in handy after all.

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1 Response to "Confession"

I. Love. This.

Kudos on your truthiness. I think the longer you’re honest about what you had and what you want, the easier it will be to avoid the sadsacks.

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  • myjourneywithtruth: i had it in my office at my internship in Corpus Christi two summers ago. ellen davis is brilliant and glows with an aura of holy.
  • amy h: i love this quote. i think i may need it hanging on my wall where i'll see it daily. perhaps in front of the toilet? by the door? bedside table? i'll
  • chaz: That post made me really sad too. Mostly because I want to take young Lizzie by the shoulders and shake her (gently?) into sublime realization that sh

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